Healing Week 2

I believe the worst part is over.

I think of our boy many many times a day but now that his ashes are home, I feel like a page was turned. 

Bringing him home was difficult. I had pictured it so differently...

I had imagined Francis and I, two proud yet paranoid parents, walking in the door, not knowing what to show the little guy first: his room, Chinook, the backyard? I pictured lying him down on our bed and enjoying  having time with him by myself, away from the hospital. I would play him some records, the ones I listened to while I was pregnant, making sure he was properly introduced to music. I'd change him into his awesome PJs we picked out for him on our first trip to the store. I'd show him how soft Chinook's fur is. There would be hundreds of pictures and a multitude of oohs and ahhhs.... Then if I was lucky I could get an hour or so of sleep next to him near the fireplace (Hey it's a dream, it doesn't need to be realistic).

Instead, I walked in the door with a little urn wrapped in a velvet bag and some legal documents. I hugged that little bag, as pathetic as that sounds, and welcomed him home nonetheless. With time, we will find a place to scatter the ashes. We have already received as a gift a beautiful sculpture to mark the spot. 

I find it rather sad that nobody other than Francis and myself got to hold him. I feel like he's a fleeting memory to them, that he will be very easily forgotten. I remind myself that others are loving him by showing him respect through their sympathies. When the cards and emails stop coming in, when people expect you to be happy and move on, that's when it hits you. We can't expect others to feel as strongly about him as we do. Physical contact changes everything. To other people going through this, I would urge them to consider inviting those close to you to the hospital...so they can hold your baby too, so you have that memory to share with them.

Our first post-termination medical appointment went well. My doctor only asked questions to make sure we were doing OK both physically and emotionally. I wasn't poked or prodded in any way. We are expecting a call from CHEO for a genetic counselling session soon. I don't know anybody who went through this process so I am curious as to what our options are and what lies ahead. We will keep you posted on our findings...

We are now both back at work. We were very lucky to have had the opportunity to stay away for so long. It allowed us to deal with our emotions rather than evade them. It gave me time to properly thank the medical staff for all they have done for me. It allowed me enough time to heal physically as well. Normally I advise people to keep busy when they go through difficult times, but in cases like this, I think it's important to take the time to focus on feelings and allowing yourself to cry. Trying to bypass grieving stages is not wise in the long run.

On Being Brave

I never considered myself to be a very brave person. As a matter of fact, I tend to get down on myself for letting fear get in the way of my dreams. So it came as a bit of a surprise to me to see that's how people felt about me and how I faced this situation. 

I am flattered, but I would like to say that I can't imagine how anybody could live through what we did without appearing courageous to others. I was not brave for terminating. I chose that path because I felt it was right. The women who decide to continue the pregnancy are just as brave for following their own moral compasses. 

I will take credit for one tiny thing though, and maybe that's what most of you meant when you called me brave: I told the truth about what happened. Some women can't find the strength to do that. However, I know a lot of them don't have the luxury of having supportive family and friends like I do. So thank you. Thank you for making it easy to be honest, to be brave.

Have a great week everyone.